The beginning of the school year is always tough and not necessarily because of the hectic schedule, homework, and endless hours studying. For me, the beginning of the school year is tough because it stirs up a crazy mixture of emotions from just two years ago. In August 2013, I moved to LA to pursue my PhD in Biokinesiology at USC. I was excited and nervous about the move and the new program, but not prepared for what I had in store. I was getting a good nights rest after my second day in school when I received a phone call in the middle of the night/early morning. It was Matt, Tory's husband, calling me to let me know Tory was at St. Bernardines Hospital undergoing emergency brain surgery for bleeding that was putting pressure on her brain. At that moment, I remember the sense of pain and not knowing what to do. I had class the next day, but I been with Tory through every procedure up until that point. I called Trisha, one of my best friend's since middle school and someone who helped celebrate Tory Tuesdays. She helped me think clearly and realize that class wasn't until 1:00 PM, so the two of us could meet at the hospital and I would just leave at 12:00 PM the next day to get to class. Tory miraculously made it out of the surgery, but due to the damage that was suffered from the bleed, she would have to be in an induced coma to help the brain heal. We later found out that the damage was so great that her brain would likely never recover and Tory would suffer from permanent brain damage. Tory fought two hard weeks in the hospital and on September 11, Patriot's Day, Tory went home to our Father in Heaven. If you knew Tory, you knew what a perfect day that was for her, she was one proud American.
Reflecting on those crazy first two weeks of my PhD of sleeping in the hospital, saying goodbye to my friend every time I went into her room to see her not knowing when she would take her last breath, and many, many, many tears really brought forth some deep thoughts that inspired me to blog. You see, during those weeks, if you asked where was God in all of that, I don't think I would have been able to give you a good answer. I trusted him throughout the whole experience and knew there was a plan, I spent many hours praying, but honestly I couldn't say much more than that. In all reality, I don't think I would have been able to answer that question until recently. One of my cousin's best friends, Kyle Garlett, survived cancer multiple times and as a result of the chemo had a damaged heart and underwent a heart transplant. Since his transplant, he has competed at the Kona Ironman Championships, an impressive feat for a healthy individual. To share his story, Kyle wrote Heart of Iron: My Journey from Transplant Patient to Ironman Triathlete. I highly recommend this book to anyone who has been affected by cancer. It is by far one of THE most powerful books I have ever read. While I had been with Tory through so much of her treatment, Kyle's book really gave me insight on what it was like to be a cancer patient, I wish I had read it earlier so I could relate to Tory just a little more. In one of his chapters, Kyle shares a story of how he was told that God kept giving him cancer because of something he had done. Kyle, a Christian, luckily refused to believe this and in explaining why, he really helped me form the answer to the question.
Like Kyle, I refuse to believe that God gives people cancer nor does he choose to cure some people and not others. I refuse to believe that God chose not to cure Tory's cancer. So where does that leave us then? I still haven't answered the question. Where was God in Tory's cancer journey? Like I said, I knew he was there, but where? To quote Kyle: "God loves us, yet we suffer. God is with us, yet we feel alone. So how do we know that He does in fact love us? How do we know he is with us? Go and spend a day on a cancer ward at any hospital in the world, and you will see him. He's always present in the people." Finally it clicked.....God was in us and around us and I know for a fact this could not be more true!!!
So where was God in Tory's cancer journey from diagnosis to victory? I hope to use the rest of the blog to share where.
First and foremost, God was in TORY!!!! If you were able to spend some time with Tory during her diagnosis and treatment, you remember her smile and joy despite her circumstances. Don't get me wrong, Tory had her times where she felt beat up and broken, but overall, Tory made the best out of everything. We would have parties in chemo with laughter and joking, we celebrated holidays in the "penthouse suite" of the hospital, and celebrated life with Tory Tuesday. Tory lifted my spirits and I needed her as much as she needed me.
Tory on her white water rafting trip with Matt
God was in Matt, Tory's husband. The most beautiful display of love that I have observed was the day of Tory's mastectomy. I came into the room to find Matt holding Tory's hand and telling her how much he loved her before she woke up from the anesthesia. Matt would work until 10/11 PM, come home from work, wake up in the morning to be by his beautiful wife's side, and then would drive her to appointments, sit by her side, and when all was done, go back to work again. Matt selflessly gave up his life to support Tory and the most amazing thing was that Matt never once complained. He did it not because he had to, but because he loved Tory with all his heart and soul and he made a promise to her in September of 2007 to love her in sickness and in health. God shined through Matt daily!
God was in Tory's parents and brothers who loved her with all of their hearts. Tory's last night before the hospital was spent watching a movie filmed in the mountains with her parents. They had such a wonderful night as a family and I know they cherish this memory. They continue to share Tory's spirit with Rim graduates through a scholarship for a Auto Shop student, one of Tory's passion. Her story will continued to be shared through her parents for generations to come.
Tory with her dad at the Susan G Komen Walk
God was in the doctors, nurses and volunteers at Loma Linda and St. Bernardines. During chemo, every single nurse would come and chit chat with Tory, share awesome stories (like Drive Up Bars in Louisiana, tell me how that works), and just take some time to give her a hug and show they cared. The doctors would cry when they had to tell Tory her cancer had spread. The amazing volunteer snack lady would sneak Tory, Matt, and I extra cookies and treats and after a couple treatments, even remembered what treats we preferred. And when Tory was in the coma, the rules of visiting no longer applied. They allowed us to take over the waiting and did not cap how many people could be in with Tory at any given time. They poured their heart and soul into making sure Tory was as comfortable as was physically possible. They had just met her, but they cared for her like she was a long time patient.
God was present in Tory's Angiosarcoma family who served as a support group for her. They were the only people that could truly understand what it would be like to be diagnosed and live with such a rare cancer and they were able to provide comfort and understanding where she needed it most. The night before Tory passed, Angiosarcoma Awareness announced that a grant would be given in Tory's name to a research institute to research Angiosarcoma. The moment I saw this, I cried......Tory's mission was to spread awareness of Angiosarcoma in hope of a greater understanding of a disease and this grant would allow just that. When Tory passed, her family reached out to Matt and myself. Here they had struggles of their own, but still wanted to be there to support the extended family.
Raising money for Angiosarcoma Research at Cycle for Survial
God was present within the mountain community. As kids, growing up in a small town could be difficult. Everyone definitely knows your business. But when it all comes down, the mountain community will always protect its own. And if a local is in need, people will come to support as they can. When Tory began chemo, expenses were adding up so a group of us decided to hold a fundraiser in the form of the spaghetti dinner. Bev Brown was graciously the brains of the operation and put in so much work to help organize. We had an abundance of family, friends, and mountain businesses join together to donate all the food and supplies for the dinner, donate items for the silent auction, and donate time to work at the event. On top of that, the mountain community came out to support. People Tory had graduated came from out of town to attend the event. I had friends who had never met Tory come to support because they knew what a special person she was. In total, we raised $10,000 for Matt and Tory that night. Coincidence that the event was held in a church.....I think not.
God was in the amazing hairdresser at Fantastic Sam's who shaved Tory's hair when she started a new round of chemo. This girl could have easily been freaked out and been awkward when Tory came in saying, I need my head shaved and then when asked why, proceeded to explain she had cancer. Rather than cutting her hair in silence, this beautiful woman asked Tory questions, laughed and joked with her, and made it enjoyable. It was so amazing, Tory went back and requested her when she needed another shave, and she was instantly greeted with a hug and a smile. A total stranger took the time to learn about Tory and care for her. She did more than shave Tory's head, she had an impact on our lives.
God was in Tory's chemo angels, complete strangers who would send Tory weekly cards and gifts. It was like being a pen pal, except as a chemo angel, you are not to expect to receive anything in return. Tory of course reached out to her angels and developed friendships with these angels. One particular angel, Kim, made a lasting impact on Tory. Kim was so inspired by Tory, she took up lifestyle changes to improve her health and life satisfaction and shared this with Tory. Tory has always cared so much for other people and when she learned that she had an impact on Kim, she was able to feel normal. Tory felt like she had purpose and Tory would always share stories about Kim and how proud she was.
God was in Brent and Dawn, a couple that Matt and Tory met at the Stupid Cancer Expo in Las Vegas. Dawn and Tory instantly became friends as did Matt and Brent. The first thing I heard about when Matt and Tory returned from Vegas was about how amazing Dawn and Brent were and how special it was to meet two people that understood what they were going through. They provided laughter and understanding.
God was in Kim Fares, a young breast cancer patient that met Tory at a breast cancer support group for young women. Kim was from Big Bear and the first person Tory met that had stage 4 cancer and was her age. Previous support group meetings consisted of older people that Tory of course had a hard time relating too. They had lived their lives, had families, worked careers, celebrated numerous anniversaries. How was Tory to cope with being a young cancer patient? Kim was the first person that Tory could relate to and she provided that comfort for Tory. When her friend's held a fundraiser for her treatments, she made sure to save two "Save 2nd Base" trucker hats for Tory and I to wear proudly. Kim also drove from San Diego, by herself, despite being recently told that she needed to start treatment for brain cancer, to celebrate Tory's life at her memorial services.
God was present in Boarding for Breast Cancer who gave Tory's cancer a purpose. They embraced her with open arms and were so happy to have us volunteer at the X-Games while we taught women about early detection and how to perform breast self exams. It didn't matter if they were executive board members or people on the front lines of outreach, they made a point to meet Tory and thank her her for sharing her story. They also let Tory tell her story on YouTube in Tory's "It's Personal." I personally hold onto this video because I can see her beautiful smile and hear her laugh. During X-Games 2013, just as Tory and I were leaving, they ran after us to give us two passes to the Motocross event that night at Staples Center. This was Tory and my last big Tory Tuesday and this memory is one that I will always hold onto and cherish forever. Writing about it now brings tears to my eyes because I am so eternally grateful to them for giving me that final memory. God continues to be present in B4BC as they continue to share Tory's story with others and embrace me with open arms when I volunteer to help educate others.
Blaire of B4BC and I at Shred The Love
Caring the flag during the tribute ride in memory of Tory
Our last Tory Tuesday
God was present in the class of 2013, who, when celebrating our 10 year reunion, were so genuinely concerned about Tory's health (she was in the coma and missed the reunion she worked so hard to plan). Some even made sure to visit her in the hospital before they returned home. Part of the money from the reunion was donated as a scholarship in memory of Tory. This went to a senior in the class of 2013 that was affected by cancer in some way. Once again, the mountains came together to care for their own.
At the class of 2013 reunion thinking about our girl
The recipient of the Class of 2013 Tory Brumm Ward Memorial Scholarship
God was in the Irving's, who were such a huge support system for Tory, Matt, and in all honesty, myself as well. Sparky sat with Matt when Tory went in for her mastectomy. She also encouraged me to visit that night on my way home from school. I was going to give them space, but she told me to go. Her encouragement is why I had the fortunate opportunity to be by Matt and Tory's side through it all. It was that night that forever changed my life. The next day was Matt and Tory's anniversary so Sparky and I drove around picking up flowers, decorations, balloons (FYI hospitals won't let you bring those in, sorry birds), and of course cake. Sparky, being the amazing party hostess she is, organized it all, and it was amazing. Sparky and Dean would have Tory and Matt over for dinner, invite them on vacations to Newport, and held an Anniversary Party at their house for Tory and Matt. They were all around true friends. C, Sparky and Dean's daughter, was equally as special. She became a little sister to Matt, Tory, and myself, and brought the joy of a child when they needed it most. C, with Tory's help and influence, wrote about her made up country Redneckastan, which sounded quite amazing. She would write about how she was going to become a doctor to cure cancer because of her friend Tory. She was a young girl, but had the maturity of an adult. When Tory was hospitalized, Sparky and Dean always opened their house to Matt and gave him a place to stay since their home was closer to the hospital than Matt's. Sparky was able to sit by Tory's side during her last chemo treatment and the two of them were able to have a real conversation that I know finally brought some peace to Tory. And when Tory was in her coma, Sparky spent her own birthday in the waiting room with me to just be able to spend one more night with Tory. This family is one of the most amazing and loving families that I have ever met.
C and I representing the Pink Ribbon Rednecks at the Believe Walk
Celebrating Matt and Tory's Anniversary at the Irvings
God was in the Pink Posse. The Pink Posse is a group of Tory's friends from childhood. Tory, Kim, Aerielle, Stephie, Jessicah, Trisha, Brie, and Molly all became friends in elementary school. I was the late add and became friends with most of them in middle school. While we had all stayed friends over the years, it wasn't until Tory's diagnosis that we really developed a once in a lifetime friendship. These girls brought so much joy to Tory during her treatments and journey. They threw birthday parties (one of which occurred during chemo treatment), a hat party when Tory started chemo so she would look fabulous when she lost her hair, and talked to her daily. They even made videos to cheer Tory up. These girls are the most amazing group of girls and they made those past two years amazing for Tory. They would always thank me for going to appointments with Tory. They were all spread out and didn't have the flexibility I had to go see her. So in my mind, I was simply the representative, but everything I did, was really what the group did and was a reflection of the love of this group of girls.
Hat Party!!!!
Pink Posse at the Believe Walk in Memory of Tory
For me personally, God was in the people who helped support me so I could be there for Matt and Tory. God was in my family who was there for me to laugh and cry with. They would listen to my stories, comfort me when I needed peace, and lift me up when I needed strength. When Tory had brain surgery, my sister took off work, drove down from Yosemite, and spent the weekend by my side in the hospital with me. God was in my husband who ate dinner alone many nights because I was celebrating Tory Tuesday. He was and will always be my strength. Rather than getting frustrated by my absence, he supported it. He knew it was important to me, so it was important to him. God was in Trisha, who made Tory Tuesdays that much better. She came up with amazing outings and shared even better stories. You can't help but laugh when you are with Trisha and while we had a strong relationship before, we have an even stronger one now. Trisha was the person I knew I could call in the middle of the night when we got bad news. She was the one who drove out to the hospital to sit in the waiting room with me when Tory was having brain surgery. And even when Tory was in a coma, there was still joy in the time we spent with Tory as we read Stephen Colbert and Trisha shared stories of dating. It's crazy to think that I actually have good memories from the hospital, but I do because of Trisha and the spirit she brings to the room. I know Tory appreciated it. God was in my Fullerton family who were so supportive. My friends would check in on me and Tory, even though they had never met Tory. They let me share stories and would just listen to me talk. One particular friend, Sean April, had a special role in my experiences. I first met Sean through my advisor. I knew we would become friends because he was a hardcore snowboarder, but we were able to relate to each other on a deeper level. Just a couple months before Tory was diagnosed, Sean's dad was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer. I know I at least found peace in talking to someone who was experiencing something similar to what I was experiencing. Sean would always ask about Tory and I would ask about his dad. This continued for two years, until Sean's dad passed away a couple months before Tory. While I will never understand what Sean felt, he was a true blessing in my life. Another blessing was Dixi. She had recently lost a friend to cancer and reached out to me when she heard I was helping Tory. Dixi helped care for her friend as I had been doing for Tory and having the wisdom and encouragement from someone who had lived it was amazing. Dixi would take the time to check on me and help lift me up, so I could lift up Tory. Finally, God was in the Yosemites. My sister was living and working in Yosemite at the time of Tory's passing. Kari immediately volunteered to make the ribbons. So her, and her fellow Yosemites, all of which had never met Tory, and some of which never met me, sat and glued hundreds of Pink and Yellow ribbons. What an amazing sign of God's love and presence.
Color Me Mine with Trisha and Tory
Our Knight Won!!!!
Trish sporting the Pink and Yellow for Tory after a long day in the waiting room
Kari and I at the Susan G. Komen Walk with Tory
I know this blog is long, but I felt compelled to write it. It is not only a revelation of God's presence in Tory's journey, but also a thank you. I know there are many instances of God's love through it all that I have forgotten and I know many people as well. Friends and family that sat in waiting rooms, slept in waiting rooms, made meals, checked in on Matt and Tory, donated money, and provided emotional support and release. All of this acts of selflessness, love, and compassion are evidence that God was with Tory through it all. Never once did he leave her side. While I still can't answer why Tory got cancer or why she was victorious through death, I know God was in Tory and with Tory every single step of the way.
I was getting ready for work the other morning when Tim McGraw's song, "Live you like are dying" came on. I have heard this song a million times and sang the words, but the lyrics never really sank in. However, for whatever reason, that particular morning I realized what the song was trying to portray. As I prepared to sit down to write this blog, a million thoughts rushed through my mind and I became somewhat sad....why does it take us being told we have a limited time to live that we choose to live? I always thought I balanced work, school, family and life pretty well, but honestly until I witnessed and walked alongside Tory, I didn't realize how out of balance my life was. I had this opportunity to pursue a "second chance" at life and for that I have Tory and her beautiful spirit to thank.
Matt, Tory's husband, worked for FedEx and worked a late afternoon to evening shift. When Tory got home from her mastectomy, Matt was able to spend the day with her, but wanted to make sure she wasn't home alone at night. This worked perfect for me, I had work and school during the day, but I could come by in the evening. At the time I was teaching at Cal State Fullerton and working as a research assistant. I was also working on obtaining my MS in Kinesiology. If you know me, you know I am a little bit of an overachiever and have a tendency to do whatever it takes to do the best job I can and that includes studying most hours of the day. So, at least during the week, I tended to prioritize school in order to make sure I was best representing myself in the classroom. Well, my opportunity to go and watch movies and hang out with Tory was the biggest blessing I could have ever received! Tory taught me to stop, slow down and just enjoy life! Your life could be totally turned upside down in a split second, so why not live life to fullest now? Tory and I would reminisce, I would cook her dinner (a big accomplishment for me at the time, wasn't much of a cook) and we would just sit, laugh and watch movies. It was like the world stood still and all that mattered was our time together.
Tory's radiation appointments soon began. I made sure to attend her first appointment, thanks Dr. Noffal for letting me miss Biomechanics that day. I was impressed....it was like the Ritz Carlton in the waiting room. They had boiled water on tap (don't ask me how) for Hot Coco. I think the Ritz Carlton may be insulted that all it takes is hot water to make it "classy" but it is what it is. Well, I soon made a habit of attending appointments once a week and if there wasn't an appointment, I would visit Tory at least once a week. Because Matt had to work in the evenings, I would take Tory home from the hospital and I decided, why take Tory straight home...let's go on an adventure. This become fondly known as Tory Tuesdays and we had a Tory Tuesday almost every single week for the two years that Tory was on her cancer journey. Tory and I would go to the mall, go to dinner, get mani/pedis or watch a movie. Tory would sit and thank me for what I was doing for her, but what she didn't ever realize was what she was doing for me. There I was, midweek, doing something fun! Tory taught me to live, to laugh and to just enjoy life. Tory "forced" me to slow down and say no and people can attest to that, I didn't say no. Shoot, my old boss actually sent me to a "how to say, no" seminar just because he saw I wouldn't. People knew that if it was Tuesday I was going to see Tory and that was priority number 1. Well soon Trisha enjoyed in our adventures and let me tell you, they became that much better. We went to Medieval Times, sporting events, Color Me Mine, Rainforest Cafe and numerous others. Trisha and I would strategically plan our adventure for that week..Trisha I know I thanked you then, but THANK YOU! You brought so much joy to our weekly outings and I now have so many memories to reflect on. We truly made those two years count!!!!
Medieval Times
Save Second Base!
I think living like you are dying extends beyond adventures, it is just your outlook and Tory had such a wonderful one at that. Tory spent a wedding anniversary, a birthday and the Super Bowl among many other days in the hospital. But what was amazing is that she, Matt and myself have positive memories from those days. When Tory was hospitalized, it was often on an upper level so we called it the "penthouse suite." The nurses LOVED Tory and Matt and I reaped the benefits. Loma Linda is a 7th Day Adventist Hospital so that means...no caffeine but not when you have nurses that love you... that means coffee from the nurses station. Every chemo appointment turned into a party and every single nurse would be hanging out in our corner just because Tory was filled with so much joy. The nurses would tell stories, just say hi and the snack lady would always sneak us extra snacks. Tory was the center of attention and not because she demanded it, but it made everybody's day that much better by just getting a "hello" and a smile from such a beautiful human being. Tory would joke, laugh and never felt sorry for herself. She was also an incredibly good sport about her situation. Tory was a little sensitive to the Benadryl that they gave her before treatment and by a little sensitive I mean, a lot. You could always tell when she had it because she would start scrambling, slurring and making up words, doze off mid-sentence and when finally asleep would do this crazy thing with her hands because of the neuropathy from the chemo. Matt and I would just sit and crack up...I know we sound like complete jerks. But the thing is, we would tell Tory what happened and she would just burst out laughing at herself. It was unbelievable, here she was getting chemicals injected into her body that caused these horrible side effects and she would laugh! Man I miss that smile and laugh. Well of course, her positive attitude didn't stop there. Tory started to lose her hair and decided she wanted to shave it before chemo took it from her....so she went to Salon Du Bois, which means her house+Mojitos+Me+Clippers. Yes, Tory let ME shave her head. But we couldn't just shave her head, it had to be something fun. So first there was a mullet that progressed to a mohawk that ended up with the numbers 48 and 5 being shaved into her head. Tory was a NASCAR fan and Jimmie Johnson was her man, so number 48 was a natural and Matt's favorite driver went on the other side. That night was a blast and somehow we were able to turn something so devastating into a great memory....that's how you live like you are dying. Well Tory wrote Jimmie Johnson and sent a picture of her shaved head and her moment of fashion greatness paid off, Jimmie Johnson sent a card with a signed autograph. It was amazing!!!!
Welcome to Salon Du Bois
Business in the Front, Party in the Back
Jimmie Johnson!
I know this blog is very long, but this whole topic brings back so many memories of my friend. Tory would have been turning 30 this week and it breaks my heart that she isn't here to celebrate. I miss this girl who had such a joy for life more than I could even express. She could brighten the room in the most extraordinary way. Like I said before Tory would always thank me, but really the thanks is all mine. I got to spend the most quality time with one of the most amazing human beings. I was given the rare chance to see life from a different perspective and had a slap me back to reality moment. I was given a second chance on life! And even now that I am pursuing my PhD, I know I have a tendency to get wrapped up in my "To Do" list, but then I think about Tory and do what I can to just slow down and live life.
Before I end this entry, I want to share one final story of Tory. Tory received an opportunity to go white water rafting on a trip called Raft 4 Life. This trip raises funds for Angiosarcoma research but is also designed for individuals currently on their cancer journeys. So, to keep them safe, they have medical personnel on site. Tory decided to go on this trip. She loved the outdoors and because of the extra medical personnel, she felt safe. On this trip, due to the drought, the river was more rough than usual, but that didn't scare Tory, it excited her. She was supposed to go in the "easy" boat, but she wasn't going to wimp out, if she was going rafting, she was going rafting. So Tory sat in the front seat next to her loving husband as they tackled Class 4 rapids and her smile stretched from ear to ear. Tory got back from the trip on Monday, had a chemo appointment Tuesday and fell into a coma late Tuesday night. That was the last adventure Tory did and for that, I am so happy! Some may think the trip was too much for her body to handle, I think it was exactly what her body needed. Tory was sicker than she let any of us let onto, myself included, but Tory needed to live! It is so easy to get caught up in doctor's appointments, chemo, and what you should/should not do for your health, but the bottom line is, what is life if we don't live? I was watching CSI Miami and surprisingly one of the most inspiring quotes came from the show. One of the characters had cancer and said, "I was trying so hard not to die, I forgot to live." Tory could have easily said no to the trip, but Tory chose to live! This idea doesn't apply to terminal illnesses, it applies to life. Don't be afraid to roll the dice, to take chances and to pursue life. We weren't put on this earth to go through the motions and to become mindless, working robots. We were given this earth as a gift from God, why waste it? Life is a miracle, show gratitude by living. In the words of Tim McGraw, "I hope you get a chance to live like you were dying."
Happy Birthday Tory! I know it isn't until Saturday, but I love you and I miss you daily. Thank you for being my continual inspiration and feel free to kick me in the behind when I need a reminder to live.
On September 14, 2011 a childhood friend was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 26. I met Tory Brumm Ward in the 7th grade. Our tomboy style and the fact that we didn't "fit in" with the popular crowd made us instant friends. We were dorks together and we were OK with that, at least when we were together. Through the years we remained friends and after graduating high school we worked together at G.H. Bass and Co.. She was at my wedding and I was in hers (both within months of each other). But after we got married, both of us became consumed with work and lives and while we were friends, we didn't really see each other.
Then, I was browsing good old Facebook one day when I saw a post by Tory that she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. I was in shock someone my age could be diagnosed with cancer, but in my ignorance I was not as alarmed as I should I have been. I was sad for her, but I thought, she has this, they know how to treat breast cancer, she will get some treatments and she will be good to go. But I had never seen cancer up close. I didn't understand the treatment. I had no idea what she and her family were in for! I look back at myself now and think...what an idiot. Cancer isn't just a common cold that can go away with a little rest and relaxation. This is serious business and the person needs more support than you could ever imagine!
Tory was scheduled to have a mastectomy. I didn't want to bother her and her husband Matt at the hospital, but a friend and co-worker, Susan "Sparky" Irving, from Snow Valley Ski School told me she was going to be there during the surgery and encouraged me to stop by that evening after school. So I did. I snuck in food for Matt (I think it was In and Out, as Tory was treated at Loma Linda University Medical Center, a Seventh Day Adventist Hospital that doesn't serve meat or caffeine). It was this day that cancer changed my life and gave my life this amazing purpose and joy through all of the hardship and sadness. See, when I visited that night, Matt told me it was their wedding anniversary the next day and he wanted to make sure they could celebrate in the hospital so he sent myself and Sparky on a mission to make it the best anniversary possible. This request was the day that I became a cancer caregiver along with Matt and Sparky (and many others) to our beautiful girl Tory. The next day Sparky and I had a blast picking up a cake, flowers, decorations (unfortunately we had to let the latex balloons go, we should have known) and a picture of the most beautiful display of love I have ever seen, a picture of Matt holding Tory's hand as she slept in her recovery from surgery. Within the next days, I donated my hair to Pantene Pro Locks, did a cancer walk, watched 50-50 and regularly visited Tory. Cancer was already becoming a big part of my life. I was going to make sure I was by my friends' (Matt and Tory's) side every step of the way. When Tory was released, I would come by the house, make her dinner and watch movies while Matt was at work. We were rekindling our friendship and in turn changing each others lives. We had no idea what was in front of us, but we knew in those moments we had each other.
I learned that Tory didn't have the "common" breast cancer. Tory had Angiosarcoma of the breast. This cancer was extremely aggressive and rare. It was said to be chemo resistant and that the best prognosis was 5 years. We and the rest of our friends from as early as elementary school (Stephie, Kim, Jessicah, Trisha, Brie, Aerielle and Molly, eventually referred to as the Pink Posse) were scared to death by this potential prognosis but refused to be defined by numbers and with us, Tory and Matt's family, would conquer cancer together!
Unfortunately, while Tory lived a wonderful life, Tory passed away on September 11, 2013, almost two exact years after her diagnosis. After radiation and numerous rounds of different forms of chemo, the cancer was still spreading and taking over Tory's body. However, Tory did not lose her fight to cancer. In the words of the inspirational Stuart Scott, "When you die, it does not mean that you lose to cancer. You beat cancer by how you live, why you live and the manner in which you live." Well, Tory won!!!! She is finally cancer free and while we lost our friend on earth, we know we have all gained a guardian angel. And while I wish more than anything that Tory did not have to battle cancer and could have lived a long healthy life, I can't help but think of who I (and the rest of the Pink Posse) would be without the journey. A little selfish piece in my heart made me realize that Tory made me a better person, gave me a lifetime of wisdom and I would be nowhere I am the person I am today without these experiences. See with all these hardships, Tory and I learned to dance in the rain or snow storm (both mountain girls) and now that the storm has passed, I can see the beautiful mark it has been made on our lives. While we are so sad and there is evidence still of the devastation left in our lives, there is a rainbow, the dust has settled, the world looks a little more clear and a little more beautiful and the mountains have been kissed by a beautiful blanket of white snow. Sometimes we have to suffer great hardship to see great beauty and I wish it didn't have to be Tory, but even out of tragedy, good can come.
I really wanted to start a blog not to give a chronological account of Tory's cancer journey, but rather share what I learned in my experiences as a friend and ultimately caregiver for a young individual with cancer. I want to share, partially selfishly as I hope it will bring healing to my heart, but also in hopes that it may bring comfort to someone else with similar experiences. While I have no idea what it is like to have cancer, I want to share my perspective of watching someone you love deal with cancer. While I believe there have been great strides to educate people about cancer, as young adults, we had no idea what we were doing. Tory had a really hard time finding someone to relate to. Every body has a grandma or grandpa, aunt, uncle, mom, dad who has/had cancer, but Tory wanted to meet someone like her. Similarly, I found great comfort talking to friends who helped family through cancer (you know who you are), but it was so hard to learn how to help a person your age dealing with it. I was blessed with an amazing group of people (my Fullerton family) who did not shy away from me talking about cancer, even if they had never dealt with it themselves. I was also blessed with the Pink Posse, as we were in it together and learning how to help and cope as a group. But I know there are a lot of people out there trying to figure it all out on their own. I hope that this blog may be able to find it's way on their computer screens so they know they are not alone! Maybe it will only heal my heart, but the possibility that I could pay it forward and possibly help one other person is worth putting my thoughts out there....
