With the recent stabbing of a Psychology Professor at USC by a PhD student and the shooting of an Engineering Professor at UCLA by a former PhD student, so many thoughts have been running through my head. I am heartbroken to know that a professor was attacked by one of his own students. And it isn't just a student who sat in his class and was upset about a grade, it was a student who worked alongside him. As PhD students we work closely with our mentors, constantly meeting about projects, funding, etc. With this tragedy and the one last year at UCLA, I can't help but think about the mental health issues facing PhD students. I want to clarify that obviously I am not a mental health professional and this is by no means an attempt to justify the atrocious actions of the two aforementioned PhD students, but I do think the mental health issues facing PhD students isn't addressed enough.
I really started thinking about this topic when I came across an article online (http://qz.com/547641/theres-an-awful-cost-to-getting-a-phd-that-no-one-talks-about/). It talked about many of the mental health issues facing PhD students including depression (~47% of PhD students) and "imposter syndrome." It was then that I came in tune with some of my own feelings of self-doubt and just not feeling like myself. PhD students tend to be your Type A, neurotic, stress-case, overachieving personalities (generally speaking, not always the case). In order to get to your PhD, you have had to have prior successes in your academic career; therefore, you are typically the top 5%, if not higher. To get into a program, you often compete against other successful students for 1-2 spots. The first year I applied, I was rejected by two programs (USC and University of Oregon). I took it pretty hard at first, I had never "failed" in my academic career and now I wasn't "good enough" to get in. It took some time to accept, but when I look back now, I realize the timing wasn't right and I learned a lot from that rejection. I learned that it had nothing to do with my abilities and really it was who was the right fit that year.
Then you enter the culture of academia. And honestly, I don't think there is anything that could have prepared me for this culture. You have no idea what to expect until you get there. I remember interviewing at USC for my second go-around, and one of the professor's asked if I had any questions. I followed with "what qualities are necessary to succeed as a PhD student?" The answer was "be prepared to fail and she talked about resilience." You will write a grant proposal, it will be rejected. You will submit a manuscript, it will get rejected. Even the most brilliant of minds have faced rejection upon rejection. Yet despite the understanding that there will be rejections, there is still this pressure to succeed. As PhD students, we are trying to prove that we are worthy of entering this field. We are trying to prove our worth to ourselves, to our faculty, to our university and to our field in general. From this stems the feeling that we need to work and almost a feeling of guilt if we aren't working. I can't tell you how many times I have walked into my office on a Monday and I asked my lab mates how their weekend was and their answer is "I actually took a couple days off. I didn't work at all." The fact that this even has to be stated is at times mind blowing to me. And I was that person the first couple years of the program. I put the pressure on myself to always work. Work means progress, progress means potential success, and this potential success could lead to future success (a job once we graduate). And this pressure doesn't have to come from your advisors either. In fact, I have been so fortunate to work with faculty that actually check in with me and serve as role models to have a work life balance. When I was diagnosed with my Acoustic Neuroma, there was not one person who continually told me I needed to take care of my health and I needed to focus on myself. However, like I said I have been fortunate and I know there are some advisors out there that are not sympathetic to the fact the students are human beings and have needs outside of the program.
So if the pressure isn't coming from my advisor, where do my feelings of sadness, defeat, and at times a feeling I am a fraud come from? Like I mentioned earlier, part of it is just the culture of academia and us trying to make it. As PhD students, we need to produce quality research to get published. These publications will be important to apply for jobs as faculty members. No publications, no job opportunity. Therefore, there is this pressure that we are under in order to produce. And then you consider the competition. PhD programs are filled with brilliant minds, I mean absolutely brilliant. And being in this environment can induce feelings of self-doubt. Throughout my career, I was always the top of my class. However, I believe that it came from hard work. Yes, I have a gift (and passion) for learning, but on the same respect, I was NEVER the person that could just sit and listen to a professor and then take the test without studying. I would spend hours upon hours studying. Just ask my roommates and my hubby. I think every picture of me hanging out with my roommates in our apartment had me with my textbooks (and that was undergrad). Super Bowl...textbooks, pumpkin carving...I would carve my pumpkin and then hit the books, watching TV....notes. Then I enter the PhD program and I am surrounded by similar individuals and then individuals that are just brilliant and hard working. You go from the top to the norm or maybe even the "worse" and it is a huge adjustment. Then, you are essentially competing with these brilliant individuals for a future job, it is very, very easy to feel like you don't belong. I have accepted this feeling and use it positively. I chose this path because if you know me, I don't want the easy path. I like being challenged, I like working hard. If it was easy I would be bored and hate my job. So it is ok that I feel challenged. I heard a great quote at an event honoring the great physicist, Richard Feynman. It said, "If you know what you are doing, get a new job." So yes, there are times that I still feel like I don't belong, but I have luckily developed the perspective that this struggle is OK and I stare at that quote and I know I am OK. And finally you consider your future and your observations of your advisor. You need to do quality research to get published. You need to get published to get grants. You need grants to do this research and in turn you need grants, research and publications to get tenure or even to get a portion of your salary. Yes, there are faculty jobs out there that REQUIRE you to earn 25% of your salary through grants by your 5th year of employment. So yes, there is a lot of pressure, A LOT OF PRESSURE. And yes this pressure can lead to mental health issues. But sadly, no one talks about it. I had no idea these issues existed when I was applying to a PhD. Yeah, I knew some friends who had a hard time adjusting, but they moved across the country to unfamiliar territory so I thought, oh they are just homesick. But now I realize that is more than that.
So how is this addressed? One, I think it can start with the students, at least that has helped keep me in check. I don't think the students talk about this enough. We are perfectionists by nature, so then to admit that we are struggling emotionally would be too much. I am so thankful for a close friend that was very, very open with me and would talk about visits to a counselor when he/she was going through some hard times. This openness made me realize that I was not alone in some of my feelings. Additionally, I learned from him/her. My friend would give advice of how he/she too would feel the need to always work and didn't take care of themselves as a person. We soon started scheduling regular fun outings just to experience life. And it was so good for our health! I think students also need to support each other, but I don't think this is always a possibility. I work in a large lab where I get to work with so many people, but I know there are some labs where you may be the only PhD student. I have developed some very close friendships where these people are here for me on my bad days and I am there for them on theirs. I also think that somehow the culture of academia needs to change and it may start with us. Take real lunch breaks, don't work at night, don't work on weekends, be a human being....and yes there will always be those times when we need to meet a deadline so there will be long hours, late nights and weekends of work, but this should NOT be the norm. Finally, I think there needs to be more of an awareness about this. I think a lot of times students don't realize they are facing mental health problems and just attribute it to stress. There is no awareness of it, there is no talking about it, so you just feel alone in your feelings. You also aren't in tuned enough to get help when you need it.
It breaks my heart that a student felt a need to kill his advisor. I can't even fathom it and I am so heartbroken for the professor's family. There shouldn't even be a thought that your loved one won't come home from a day at a University. I don't know his motive and there is absolutely no justification for his actions; but, I also think something needs to be done about the mental health of PhD students. Mental health issues in general need to be addressed in the general population and our culture of how we view them needs to change drastically. And then in these "jobs" that are plagued by mental health problems, steps need to be taken to address these concerns and provide the necessary support for those that need it.
Saturday, December 3, 2016
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
All in Perfect Timing
It's been a while since my last blog and a series of events have inspired me to write again. Over the past 8 years, I have been experiencing hearing loss in my left ear. I first noticed it after a series of colds and it was like my ear never cleared up. Everything sounded muffled. When I started at Cal State Fullerton, my sport psych professor asked us to play telephone and the person whispered the phrase into my left ear. I couldn't understand what was said and I tried my best to pass on the correct phrase, but I of course butchered it. Despite this, I was too stubborn (or maybe too stupid) to go to the doctor. It continued to get worse though and I used the words "Huh?" and "Pardon?" a lot. I went to a doctor finally and they thought I had Eustachian tube dysfunction thus my sinuses weren't draining properly. This sounded reasonable as both my mom and sister had surgery for their narrowed sinuses. However, the meds that were given to me just made me feel sick and I was too lazy to follow up with an ENT. After a year at USC, I decided to go to the health center. They gave me a referral, but I found better things to do despite my husband's insistence that my hearing was worse than I thought and that I needed to go. Finally, Chris heard of something called an Acoustic Neuroma, a non-cancerous tumor that forms on your balance nerve in your skull. This tumor can put pressure on your hearing nerve and cause single-sided hearing loss. Looking this up, I realized that it fit my symptoms, but I still didn't go to the doctor. It was easier to not know if I had that....I know my logic was completely illogical, but it worked for me. However, after persistence from my husband I finally went and got another referral to get my hearing checked out, eight years later.
I went in for my hearing test at Keck USC and for the first time I was made aware exactly how poor my hearing in my left ear was. They put noise in my right ear and asked me to repeat back words said in my left ear. I got ZERO! While I could hear tones in that ear, I had zero speech discrimination and that meant I was considered deaf in my left ear. That was shocking to hear. Chris told me he wasn't surprised because while I thought I heard him on the first call of my name, he had really called my name 5 times prior and I just heard the final yell to get my attention....ooops. I then went to see my Otolaryngologist. She told me she wanted to order a MRI. Typically she would just order it without contrast and then if needed would order with contrast, but she told me she didn't want to waste my time and just ordered a MRI with and without contrast. I knew she thought I had an Acoustic Neuroma and now it was just a waiting game.
About a month later I received a call from my doctor and my feeling was confirmed. I had a 2 cm (about 1 inch) tumor on my balance nerve in my left ear. I was given two options: 1) Watch and wait or 2) Have it surgically removed. After a lengthy conversation with the doctor and talking with Chris and my family, we proceeded with option 2. I was young and the tumor was on the moderate and could become large with continued growth. It was starting to touch my brainstem and if it grew more, it could eventually become life threatening. I was told that my outcomes following surgery would be much better if I had surgery now as compared to later when my health could potentially worsen. My balance was excellent so following surgery I would have a better recovery. It seemed like a no brainer to go forth with the surgery. I kept my diagnosis pretty quiet, just didn't want the attention or to cause concern. I acutally felt blessed, yes blessed, that this was my "major health scare." I watched Tory go through surgeries, and failed treatments, multiple hospital stays, and multiple health scares, but yet she remained so positive. I would only have to have one surgery and I could put it behind me and focus on recovery. Man, that seemed so easy compared to what other people deal with.
The blessings continued. Suspecting I had an Acoustic Neuroma, I had previously tried (before I was diagnosed) to get an appointment with the House Clinic in LA but they never called back. They were known for their surgical treatment of acoustic neuromas so I thought hey, might as well go there. However, I am so incredibly thankful they didn't call back...it was all in God's plan. Hours within being diagnosed at Keck USC, I received a call from Kris Siwek, the patient navigator at Keck USC Acoustic Neuroma Center. Years prior she was diagnosed with an Acoustic Neuroma and had it surgically removed by Dr. Friedman, who was now at Keck and would be on my surgical team. She let me share my story and she shared hers. She was so compassionate and caring and I immediately knew I was in good hands. Within days, she scheduled all my appointments to consult with Physical Therapists and the Neurosurgeons. She made it so easy! I also soon found out that I was going to be treated by the world leading University hospital in the surgical removal of Acoustic Neuromas and they literally fell into my lap. I only went for my hearing test there because it was across the street from my building I work in at school. I went their for convenience but soon found I was at the best place for what I had, that couldn't be a coincidence. So while I am totally embarrassed that I waited 8 years to see a doctor, I feel that it was meant to be that way....how else would I have ended up at USC?
I also knew the timing was perfect because I finally had a church family. Chris and I had been searching for a church pretty much since we were married and for a long period of our marriage, we were really only at church on holidays. About a year ago we tried out our roommate's church, Lakeside Church. We started attending regularly and were immediately welcomed into the church family. We were also given opportunities to become involved in the church as youth leaders, something Chris and I had been searching for. There is no way I could have had the courage to face this diagnosis if I didn't have God as the center in my life, but Chris and I trusted Him and I knew he wouldn't give me more than I could handle. I also knew that God had put me in a caregiver role for Tory to not only put perspective on my life during my time spent with her and to develop a once in a lifetime friendship with Tory, but also to prepare me for this. The diagnosis didn't come across as unachievable feat, I watched a beautiful girl fight every day of her life for two years, I knew I could get through this little hill of my own. So while I should have gone to the doctor earlier, the timing was perfect. I grew into a person that could handle this and be trusting and faithful through it all. Not once did I have a "why me?" moment and I still don't. I was given something that was curable, how lucky is that? Yes, I was nervous about having brain surgery and the recovery after, but I knew I could rely on my amazing family, my faith, and my memories of Tory to get me through it....and that is exactly what I am doing.
On June 7th, I underwent brain surgery to remove the tumor. They went through my inner ear and removed my balance nerve so as a result, I am now completely deaf in my left ear and I am working to gain my balance back and control my dizziness. Luckily I work and go to school for the best Physical Therapy department in the nation so I am getting exceptional vestibular rehab. When I woke up in the hospital, I was so sick. Everything in the room would spin when I opened my eyes. It was terrible. I just had to lay there with my eyes closed. The next day I could at least open my eyes and all I frequently found myself reflecting on all the time I had spent in the hospital with Tory and Matt. With my amazing, loving, caring and selfless husband by my side and my memories with Tory, I knew I was in good hands and I might as well make the best of the hospital situation. While there were no parties like we had with Tory, I tried to keep a positive attitude. I was nervous about my first Physical Therapy appointment because I knew she would want me to walk and I wasn't even sure if I could sit up without getting sick. As I sat up, my PT told me to fixate on something and she held out her badge holder, which was a little owl. I then knew I could do this....you see Tory loved owls and whenever I see one I think of her. I knew at that time it was a sign that she was still with me and I could do it. Amazing how such a small thing can bring such peace, but it did. Thanks Tory for getting my butt out of bed that day.
Surgery was on Tuesday and I was home by Thursday afternoon.....oh so thankful and only one night with a roommate, boy did I win the lottery. I am still adjusting to the complete loss of hearing and the really weird feeling in my head but with each day I am getting stronger.
I wanted to write this blog not so people would feel sorry for me or to get attention for my diagnosis, but rather share that there is perfect timing for everything. I also think it is a great example of how God uses our hardships for good. While I would trade anything in the world for Tory to still be here and that she wouldn't have had to deal with what she did, I know God used my experiences with her to make me stronger. I went from caregiver to patient (on a much smaller scale). While I have no idea what Tory went through, I had a very small taste and I found peace in knowing that if Tory could handle hers, I could handle mine. I was diagnosed with a brain tumor (like I said, thankfully non-cancerous) and had to go through treatment. I relied upon my faith and the knowledge that God was and will continue to be with me every step of the way, my family, and Tory's courage to know I could handle it. If I was diagnosed 8 years ago when my symptoms started, there is no way I would have had the maturity and grace to be ok. At that time I did not have the life experiences or perspective or faith to know I would be OK. God had perfect timing in all of it and for that I am thankful. So Tory, while you are not physically here, thank you. Thank you for showing what true bravery and courage looked like so I too could emulate those traits.
I went in for my hearing test at Keck USC and for the first time I was made aware exactly how poor my hearing in my left ear was. They put noise in my right ear and asked me to repeat back words said in my left ear. I got ZERO! While I could hear tones in that ear, I had zero speech discrimination and that meant I was considered deaf in my left ear. That was shocking to hear. Chris told me he wasn't surprised because while I thought I heard him on the first call of my name, he had really called my name 5 times prior and I just heard the final yell to get my attention....ooops. I then went to see my Otolaryngologist. She told me she wanted to order a MRI. Typically she would just order it without contrast and then if needed would order with contrast, but she told me she didn't want to waste my time and just ordered a MRI with and without contrast. I knew she thought I had an Acoustic Neuroma and now it was just a waiting game.
About a month later I received a call from my doctor and my feeling was confirmed. I had a 2 cm (about 1 inch) tumor on my balance nerve in my left ear. I was given two options: 1) Watch and wait or 2) Have it surgically removed. After a lengthy conversation with the doctor and talking with Chris and my family, we proceeded with option 2. I was young and the tumor was on the moderate and could become large with continued growth. It was starting to touch my brainstem and if it grew more, it could eventually become life threatening. I was told that my outcomes following surgery would be much better if I had surgery now as compared to later when my health could potentially worsen. My balance was excellent so following surgery I would have a better recovery. It seemed like a no brainer to go forth with the surgery. I kept my diagnosis pretty quiet, just didn't want the attention or to cause concern. I acutally felt blessed, yes blessed, that this was my "major health scare." I watched Tory go through surgeries, and failed treatments, multiple hospital stays, and multiple health scares, but yet she remained so positive. I would only have to have one surgery and I could put it behind me and focus on recovery. Man, that seemed so easy compared to what other people deal with.
The blessings continued. Suspecting I had an Acoustic Neuroma, I had previously tried (before I was diagnosed) to get an appointment with the House Clinic in LA but they never called back. They were known for their surgical treatment of acoustic neuromas so I thought hey, might as well go there. However, I am so incredibly thankful they didn't call back...it was all in God's plan. Hours within being diagnosed at Keck USC, I received a call from Kris Siwek, the patient navigator at Keck USC Acoustic Neuroma Center. Years prior she was diagnosed with an Acoustic Neuroma and had it surgically removed by Dr. Friedman, who was now at Keck and would be on my surgical team. She let me share my story and she shared hers. She was so compassionate and caring and I immediately knew I was in good hands. Within days, she scheduled all my appointments to consult with Physical Therapists and the Neurosurgeons. She made it so easy! I also soon found out that I was going to be treated by the world leading University hospital in the surgical removal of Acoustic Neuromas and they literally fell into my lap. I only went for my hearing test there because it was across the street from my building I work in at school. I went their for convenience but soon found I was at the best place for what I had, that couldn't be a coincidence. So while I am totally embarrassed that I waited 8 years to see a doctor, I feel that it was meant to be that way....how else would I have ended up at USC?
I also knew the timing was perfect because I finally had a church family. Chris and I had been searching for a church pretty much since we were married and for a long period of our marriage, we were really only at church on holidays. About a year ago we tried out our roommate's church, Lakeside Church. We started attending regularly and were immediately welcomed into the church family. We were also given opportunities to become involved in the church as youth leaders, something Chris and I had been searching for. There is no way I could have had the courage to face this diagnosis if I didn't have God as the center in my life, but Chris and I trusted Him and I knew he wouldn't give me more than I could handle. I also knew that God had put me in a caregiver role for Tory to not only put perspective on my life during my time spent with her and to develop a once in a lifetime friendship with Tory, but also to prepare me for this. The diagnosis didn't come across as unachievable feat, I watched a beautiful girl fight every day of her life for two years, I knew I could get through this little hill of my own. So while I should have gone to the doctor earlier, the timing was perfect. I grew into a person that could handle this and be trusting and faithful through it all. Not once did I have a "why me?" moment and I still don't. I was given something that was curable, how lucky is that? Yes, I was nervous about having brain surgery and the recovery after, but I knew I could rely on my amazing family, my faith, and my memories of Tory to get me through it....and that is exactly what I am doing.
On June 7th, I underwent brain surgery to remove the tumor. They went through my inner ear and removed my balance nerve so as a result, I am now completely deaf in my left ear and I am working to gain my balance back and control my dizziness. Luckily I work and go to school for the best Physical Therapy department in the nation so I am getting exceptional vestibular rehab. When I woke up in the hospital, I was so sick. Everything in the room would spin when I opened my eyes. It was terrible. I just had to lay there with my eyes closed. The next day I could at least open my eyes and all I frequently found myself reflecting on all the time I had spent in the hospital with Tory and Matt. With my amazing, loving, caring and selfless husband by my side and my memories with Tory, I knew I was in good hands and I might as well make the best of the hospital situation. While there were no parties like we had with Tory, I tried to keep a positive attitude. I was nervous about my first Physical Therapy appointment because I knew she would want me to walk and I wasn't even sure if I could sit up without getting sick. As I sat up, my PT told me to fixate on something and she held out her badge holder, which was a little owl. I then knew I could do this....you see Tory loved owls and whenever I see one I think of her. I knew at that time it was a sign that she was still with me and I could do it. Amazing how such a small thing can bring such peace, but it did. Thanks Tory for getting my butt out of bed that day.
Surgery was on Tuesday and I was home by Thursday afternoon.....oh so thankful and only one night with a roommate, boy did I win the lottery. I am still adjusting to the complete loss of hearing and the really weird feeling in my head but with each day I am getting stronger.
I wanted to write this blog not so people would feel sorry for me or to get attention for my diagnosis, but rather share that there is perfect timing for everything. I also think it is a great example of how God uses our hardships for good. While I would trade anything in the world for Tory to still be here and that she wouldn't have had to deal with what she did, I know God used my experiences with her to make me stronger. I went from caregiver to patient (on a much smaller scale). While I have no idea what Tory went through, I had a very small taste and I found peace in knowing that if Tory could handle hers, I could handle mine. I was diagnosed with a brain tumor (like I said, thankfully non-cancerous) and had to go through treatment. I relied upon my faith and the knowledge that God was and will continue to be with me every step of the way, my family, and Tory's courage to know I could handle it. If I was diagnosed 8 years ago when my symptoms started, there is no way I would have had the maturity and grace to be ok. At that time I did not have the life experiences or perspective or faith to know I would be OK. God had perfect timing in all of it and for that I am thankful. So Tory, while you are not physically here, thank you. Thank you for showing what true bravery and courage looked like so I too could emulate those traits.
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