It's been a while since my last blog and a series of events have inspired me to write again. Over the past 8 years, I have been experiencing hearing loss in my left ear. I first noticed it after a series of colds and it was like my ear never cleared up. Everything sounded muffled. When I started at Cal State Fullerton, my sport psych professor asked us to play telephone and the person whispered the phrase into my left ear. I couldn't understand what was said and I tried my best to pass on the correct phrase, but I of course butchered it. Despite this, I was too stubborn (or maybe too stupid) to go to the doctor. It continued to get worse though and I used the words "Huh?" and "Pardon?" a lot. I went to a doctor finally and they thought I had Eustachian tube dysfunction thus my sinuses weren't draining properly. This sounded reasonable as both my mom and sister had surgery for their narrowed sinuses. However, the meds that were given to me just made me feel sick and I was too lazy to follow up with an ENT. After a year at USC, I decided to go to the health center. They gave me a referral, but I found better things to do despite my husband's insistence that my hearing was worse than I thought and that I needed to go. Finally, Chris heard of something called an Acoustic Neuroma, a non-cancerous tumor that forms on your balance nerve in your skull. This tumor can put pressure on your hearing nerve and cause single-sided hearing loss. Looking this up, I realized that it fit my symptoms, but I still didn't go to the doctor. It was easier to not know if I had that....I know my logic was completely illogical, but it worked for me. However, after persistence from my husband I finally went and got another referral to get my hearing checked out, eight years later.
I went in for my hearing test at Keck USC and for the first time I was made aware exactly how poor my hearing in my left ear was. They put noise in my right ear and asked me to repeat back words said in my left ear. I got ZERO! While I could hear tones in that ear, I had zero speech discrimination and that meant I was considered deaf in my left ear. That was shocking to hear. Chris told me he wasn't surprised because while I thought I heard him on the first call of my name, he had really called my name 5 times prior and I just heard the final yell to get my attention....ooops. I then went to see my Otolaryngologist. She told me she wanted to order a MRI. Typically she would just order it without contrast and then if needed would order with contrast, but she told me she didn't want to waste my time and just ordered a MRI with and without contrast. I knew she thought I had an Acoustic Neuroma and now it was just a waiting game.
About a month later I received a call from my doctor and my feeling was confirmed. I had a 2 cm (about 1 inch) tumor on my balance nerve in my left ear. I was given two options: 1) Watch and wait or 2) Have it surgically removed. After a lengthy conversation with the doctor and talking with Chris and my family, we proceeded with option 2. I was young and the tumor was on the moderate and could become large with continued growth. It was starting to touch my brainstem and if it grew more, it could eventually become life threatening. I was told that my outcomes following surgery would be much better if I had surgery now as compared to later when my health could potentially worsen. My balance was excellent so following surgery I would have a better recovery. It seemed like a no brainer to go forth with the surgery. I kept my diagnosis pretty quiet, just didn't want the attention or to cause concern. I acutally felt blessed, yes blessed, that this was my "major health scare." I watched Tory go through surgeries, and failed treatments, multiple hospital stays, and multiple health scares, but yet she remained so positive. I would only have to have one surgery and I could put it behind me and focus on recovery. Man, that seemed so easy compared to what other people deal with.
The blessings continued. Suspecting I had an Acoustic Neuroma, I had previously tried (before I was diagnosed) to get an appointment with the House Clinic in LA but they never called back. They were known for their surgical treatment of acoustic neuromas so I thought hey, might as well go there. However, I am so incredibly thankful they didn't call back...it was all in God's plan. Hours within being diagnosed at Keck USC, I received a call from Kris Siwek, the patient navigator at Keck USC Acoustic Neuroma Center. Years prior she was diagnosed with an Acoustic Neuroma and had it surgically removed by Dr. Friedman, who was now at Keck and would be on my surgical team. She let me share my story and she shared hers. She was so compassionate and caring and I immediately knew I was in good hands. Within days, she scheduled all my appointments to consult with Physical Therapists and the Neurosurgeons. She made it so easy! I also soon found out that I was going to be treated by the world leading University hospital in the surgical removal of Acoustic Neuromas and they literally fell into my lap. I only went for my hearing test there because it was across the street from my building I work in at school. I went their for convenience but soon found I was at the best place for what I had, that couldn't be a coincidence. So while I am totally embarrassed that I waited 8 years to see a doctor, I feel that it was meant to be that way....how else would I have ended up at USC?
I also knew the timing was perfect because I finally had a church family. Chris and I had been searching for a church pretty much since we were married and for a long period of our marriage, we were really only at church on holidays. About a year ago we tried out our roommate's church, Lakeside Church. We started attending regularly and were immediately welcomed into the church family. We were also given opportunities to become involved in the church as youth leaders, something Chris and I had been searching for. There is no way I could have had the courage to face this diagnosis if I didn't have God as the center in my life, but Chris and I trusted Him and I knew he wouldn't give me more than I could handle. I also knew that God had put me in a caregiver role for Tory to not only put perspective on my life during my time spent with her and to develop a once in a lifetime friendship with Tory, but also to prepare me for this. The diagnosis didn't come across as unachievable feat, I watched a beautiful girl fight every day of her life for two years, I knew I could get through this little hill of my own. So while I should have gone to the doctor earlier, the timing was perfect. I grew into a person that could handle this and be trusting and faithful through it all. Not once did I have a "why me?" moment and I still don't. I was given something that was curable, how lucky is that? Yes, I was nervous about having brain surgery and the recovery after, but I knew I could rely on my amazing family, my faith, and my memories of Tory to get me through it....and that is exactly what I am doing.
On June 7th, I underwent brain surgery to remove the tumor. They went through my inner ear and removed my balance nerve so as a result, I am now completely deaf in my left ear and I am working to gain my balance back and control my dizziness. Luckily I work and go to school for the best Physical Therapy department in the nation so I am getting exceptional vestibular rehab. When I woke up in the hospital, I was so sick. Everything in the room would spin when I opened my eyes. It was terrible. I just had to lay there with my eyes closed. The next day I could at least open my eyes and all I frequently found myself reflecting on all the time I had spent in the hospital with Tory and Matt. With my amazing, loving, caring and selfless husband by my side and my memories with Tory, I knew I was in good hands and I might as well make the best of the hospital situation. While there were no parties like we had with Tory, I tried to keep a positive attitude. I was nervous about my first Physical Therapy appointment because I knew she would want me to walk and I wasn't even sure if I could sit up without getting sick. As I sat up, my PT told me to fixate on something and she held out her badge holder, which was a little owl. I then knew I could do this....you see Tory loved owls and whenever I see one I think of her. I knew at that time it was a sign that she was still with me and I could do it. Amazing how such a small thing can bring such peace, but it did. Thanks Tory for getting my butt out of bed that day.
Surgery was on Tuesday and I was home by Thursday afternoon.....oh so thankful and only one night with a roommate, boy did I win the lottery. I am still adjusting to the complete loss of hearing and the really weird feeling in my head but with each day I am getting stronger.
I wanted to write this blog not so people would feel sorry for me or to get attention for my diagnosis, but rather share that there is perfect timing for everything. I also think it is a great example of how God uses our hardships for good. While I would trade anything in the world for Tory to still be here and that she wouldn't have had to deal with what she did, I know God used my experiences with her to make me stronger. I went from caregiver to patient (on a much smaller scale). While I have no idea what Tory went through, I had a very small taste and I found peace in knowing that if Tory could handle hers, I could handle mine. I was diagnosed with a brain tumor (like I said, thankfully non-cancerous) and had to go through treatment. I relied upon my faith and the knowledge that God was and will continue to be with me every step of the way, my family, and Tory's courage to know I could handle it. If I was diagnosed 8 years ago when my symptoms started, there is no way I would have had the maturity and grace to be ok. At that time I did not have the life experiences or perspective or faith to know I would be OK. God had perfect timing in all of it and for that I am thankful. So Tory, while you are not physically here, thank you. Thank you for showing what true bravery and courage looked like so I too could emulate those traits.
