With the recent stabbing of a Psychology Professor at USC by a PhD student and the shooting of an Engineering Professor at UCLA by a former PhD student, so many thoughts have been running through my head. I am heartbroken to know that a professor was attacked by one of his own students. And it isn't just a student who sat in his class and was upset about a grade, it was a student who worked alongside him. As PhD students we work closely with our mentors, constantly meeting about projects, funding, etc. With this tragedy and the one last year at UCLA, I can't help but think about the mental health issues facing PhD students. I want to clarify that obviously I am not a mental health professional and this is by no means an attempt to justify the atrocious actions of the two aforementioned PhD students, but I do think the mental health issues facing PhD students isn't addressed enough.
I really started thinking about this topic when I came across an article online (http://qz.com/547641/theres-an-awful-cost-to-getting-a-phd-that-no-one-talks-about/). It talked about many of the mental health issues facing PhD students including depression (~47% of PhD students) and "imposter syndrome." It was then that I came in tune with some of my own feelings of self-doubt and just not feeling like myself. PhD students tend to be your Type A, neurotic, stress-case, overachieving personalities (generally speaking, not always the case). In order to get to your PhD, you have had to have prior successes in your academic career; therefore, you are typically the top 5%, if not higher. To get into a program, you often compete against other successful students for 1-2 spots. The first year I applied, I was rejected by two programs (USC and University of Oregon). I took it pretty hard at first, I had never "failed" in my academic career and now I wasn't "good enough" to get in. It took some time to accept, but when I look back now, I realize the timing wasn't right and I learned a lot from that rejection. I learned that it had nothing to do with my abilities and really it was who was the right fit that year.
Then you enter the culture of academia. And honestly, I don't think there is anything that could have prepared me for this culture. You have no idea what to expect until you get there. I remember interviewing at USC for my second go-around, and one of the professor's asked if I had any questions. I followed with "what qualities are necessary to succeed as a PhD student?" The answer was "be prepared to fail and she talked about resilience." You will write a grant proposal, it will be rejected. You will submit a manuscript, it will get rejected. Even the most brilliant of minds have faced rejection upon rejection. Yet despite the understanding that there will be rejections, there is still this pressure to succeed. As PhD students, we are trying to prove that we are worthy of entering this field. We are trying to prove our worth to ourselves, to our faculty, to our university and to our field in general. From this stems the feeling that we need to work and almost a feeling of guilt if we aren't working. I can't tell you how many times I have walked into my office on a Monday and I asked my lab mates how their weekend was and their answer is "I actually took a couple days off. I didn't work at all." The fact that this even has to be stated is at times mind blowing to me. And I was that person the first couple years of the program. I put the pressure on myself to always work. Work means progress, progress means potential success, and this potential success could lead to future success (a job once we graduate). And this pressure doesn't have to come from your advisors either. In fact, I have been so fortunate to work with faculty that actually check in with me and serve as role models to have a work life balance. When I was diagnosed with my Acoustic Neuroma, there was not one person who continually told me I needed to take care of my health and I needed to focus on myself. However, like I said I have been fortunate and I know there are some advisors out there that are not sympathetic to the fact the students are human beings and have needs outside of the program.
So if the pressure isn't coming from my advisor, where do my feelings of sadness, defeat, and at times a feeling I am a fraud come from? Like I mentioned earlier, part of it is just the culture of academia and us trying to make it. As PhD students, we need to produce quality research to get published. These publications will be important to apply for jobs as faculty members. No publications, no job opportunity. Therefore, there is this pressure that we are under in order to produce. And then you consider the competition. PhD programs are filled with brilliant minds, I mean absolutely brilliant. And being in this environment can induce feelings of self-doubt. Throughout my career, I was always the top of my class. However, I believe that it came from hard work. Yes, I have a gift (and passion) for learning, but on the same respect, I was NEVER the person that could just sit and listen to a professor and then take the test without studying. I would spend hours upon hours studying. Just ask my roommates and my hubby. I think every picture of me hanging out with my roommates in our apartment had me with my textbooks (and that was undergrad). Super Bowl...textbooks, pumpkin carving...I would carve my pumpkin and then hit the books, watching TV....notes. Then I enter the PhD program and I am surrounded by similar individuals and then individuals that are just brilliant and hard working. You go from the top to the norm or maybe even the "worse" and it is a huge adjustment. Then, you are essentially competing with these brilliant individuals for a future job, it is very, very easy to feel like you don't belong. I have accepted this feeling and use it positively. I chose this path because if you know me, I don't want the easy path. I like being challenged, I like working hard. If it was easy I would be bored and hate my job. So it is ok that I feel challenged. I heard a great quote at an event honoring the great physicist, Richard Feynman. It said, "If you know what you are doing, get a new job." So yes, there are times that I still feel like I don't belong, but I have luckily developed the perspective that this struggle is OK and I stare at that quote and I know I am OK. And finally you consider your future and your observations of your advisor. You need to do quality research to get published. You need to get published to get grants. You need grants to do this research and in turn you need grants, research and publications to get tenure or even to get a portion of your salary. Yes, there are faculty jobs out there that REQUIRE you to earn 25% of your salary through grants by your 5th year of employment. So yes, there is a lot of pressure, A LOT OF PRESSURE. And yes this pressure can lead to mental health issues. But sadly, no one talks about it. I had no idea these issues existed when I was applying to a PhD. Yeah, I knew some friends who had a hard time adjusting, but they moved across the country to unfamiliar territory so I thought, oh they are just homesick. But now I realize that is more than that.
So how is this addressed? One, I think it can start with the students, at least that has helped keep me in check. I don't think the students talk about this enough. We are perfectionists by nature, so then to admit that we are struggling emotionally would be too much. I am so thankful for a close friend that was very, very open with me and would talk about visits to a counselor when he/she was going through some hard times. This openness made me realize that I was not alone in some of my feelings. Additionally, I learned from him/her. My friend would give advice of how he/she too would feel the need to always work and didn't take care of themselves as a person. We soon started scheduling regular fun outings just to experience life. And it was so good for our health! I think students also need to support each other, but I don't think this is always a possibility. I work in a large lab where I get to work with so many people, but I know there are some labs where you may be the only PhD student. I have developed some very close friendships where these people are here for me on my bad days and I am there for them on theirs. I also think that somehow the culture of academia needs to change and it may start with us. Take real lunch breaks, don't work at night, don't work on weekends, be a human being....and yes there will always be those times when we need to meet a deadline so there will be long hours, late nights and weekends of work, but this should NOT be the norm. Finally, I think there needs to be more of an awareness about this. I think a lot of times students don't realize they are facing mental health problems and just attribute it to stress. There is no awareness of it, there is no talking about it, so you just feel alone in your feelings. You also aren't in tuned enough to get help when you need it.
It breaks my heart that a student felt a need to kill his advisor. I can't even fathom it and I am so heartbroken for the professor's family. There shouldn't even be a thought that your loved one won't come home from a day at a University. I don't know his motive and there is absolutely no justification for his actions; but, I also think something needs to be done about the mental health of PhD students. Mental health issues in general need to be addressed in the general population and our culture of how we view them needs to change drastically. And then in these "jobs" that are plagued by mental health problems, steps need to be taken to address these concerns and provide the necessary support for those that need it.
