The Power of Hardship

For my own personal "therapy," I have been wanting to write again, but I wasn't sure what to write about. But in the past couple weeks, struggle and hardship and how to deal has come to the forefront. I have been pretty stressed for the past couple months. I am at a stage in my PhD where there is little wiggle room and as a result my life has been hectic. As part of the PhD process we go through Qualifying Exams, a two part exam process that advances us to candidacy which is a fancy way of saying...go forward with your research ideas, get them done, and graduate. USC is a little different from other universities in that the first part of our exams is a week long exam where we get a new question each morning that must be completed within 9 hours and turned in at the end of the day. We have four questions over a five day period. Once notified you have passed that portion of the exam, you have 60 days to complete your dissertation proposal. This consists of a 30 page document proposing your research ideas and an oral presentation (up to 3 hours with questions). This is the stage I am at now and needless to say I feel the pressure. 

Being in this stage of your academic career takes a lot of discipline and personal sacrifice (both on my end and my family's/friends' end). Trying to balance family life and progress becomes very challenging, and honestly I have struggled with this challenge. There have been days I just break down crying wondering what I am doing because the "To Do List" only seems to grow and I can't fathom how to tackle it. However, I am not writing this to complain about school, it is all something we have to learn to deal with and how to manage. But I have learned something else about myself in this process....I need to learn to cut myself some slack and to learn to heal. 

A little over 8 months ago I had surgery to remove my Acoustic Neuroma. Following surgery, I was already back to working from home. I needed to finish a presentation that my advisor would be presenting on my behalf. I was also working to make sure that things were going smoothly with my first two subjects in my golf intervention. Six weeks after my brain surgery, I was back to the grind at work and hit the ground running. I was supposed to take my Qualifying Exams early in that semester and brain surgery threw me back. I felt behind and I was doing all I could to catch up. I didn't think anything of it. I didn't feel great but I could manage. And I felt it was important to not let this experience set me back. I have opened up about this before, but I felt blessed that my tumor was benign and all I had to go through was surgery. I had been given a unique perspective on life. I watched my best friend go through so much as she battled cancer and she was so brave through all of it! Within months, my health scare was resolved. Yes, I have residual symptoms, but they aren't that bad in the whole scheme of life. I am thankful that I was able to have such an "easy" health issue. But what I failed to acknowledge was that I still NEEDED to heal. It was almost like I downplayed it too much and as a result I didn't deal with feelings of fear and frustration in my healing process. I see people around me going through so much and I respect them so much for the bravery they show in facing their challenges. My health challenges couldn't even compare to theirs. But to discount your own fears, struggles, etc isn't necessarily the way to cope. You can give thanks, but still be afraid. You can praise God, but still want to cry about the struggles you face. And just because your struggles are small in comparison in others, it is still OK to acknowledge the challenges. We each have our stuff we deal with and what affects one person may not affect another, but that doesn't discount how you feel about everything. It is important to acknowledge how you feel and allow yourself to heal. I am now realizing that I just went back to work and never gave myself a chance to heal. I went through something scary and I am still dealing with permanent side effects of the surgery and tumor. I won't ever be my pre-tumor self and that is OK, I am OK with that, but I need to know it is OK to cry and feel sad and break down. I crammed to get work done before surgery and was working up until the afternoon before, continued to work from home after surgery, and then went back to work as soon as I could drive. I didn't cut myself any slack and now I am realizing that I never really acknowledged what I went through. I think what has made it harder is once I was back to walking normal, you couldn't really tell I even had surgery. Sure part of my head was shaved, but that's actually trendy now. So in turn, when I returned to work, it was like I was normal. But I didn't feel normal. I would get dizzy frequently, I still get dizzy when doing certain work related tasks. I get tired in large groups because it takes so much energy just to follow a conversation. At the end of my day, I am tired. It takes a lot to focus. And there are days when I feel worse than others and can't explain why I feel so out of it. But even though I don't feel great, I haven't stood up for myself. I talk to my hubby and family, but when I'm asked to do something and I don't feel great, I don't speak up, I just do it. I have not taken care of myself and I have not been my own advocate. So how did I get here? I coped by downplaying it all and while I thought I was good, I know I am still learning to deal. 

So why share this? I think we live in a society where we compare our struggles to the terrible things around us. Yeah I had a bad day at work but at least I have food on the table. Yeah, I am am feeling really crummy this weak, but at least I have access to health care. And yes, it is important to have that perspective on life, but I think all too often because we know someone that is sicker, facing more hardship, or hurting more we convince ourselves that our problem isn't that bad and we don't learn to cope and face our own struggles. We need to learn to cry, to hurt, to struggle, to be human. We don't always have to be brave. We don't always have to be happy. We can be scared, doubtful, and confused. That is how we heal! And it is through these struggles that we can grow. It is through these hardships that we learn who we are. And it is through these challenges that we learn to rely on others and our Faith. In this past year, I have grown so incredibly much in my faith. I have learned to trust Him and when I break down, I know He is there. Every Sunday leading up to surgery I cried at church. I knew I could trust in Him, but just because I trusted doesn't mean I wasn't afraid. These past two Sundays, I have also cried in worship but it is because I know He knows my heart and He is there for me and even though life is hard, I am not alone. And when I have a rough day at work and I just need to pray or spend time with God, it is not that I am bothering Him with my "minor" problems, it is that I acknowledge I need Him in the center of my life and sometimes it takes hardship to learn that. Its easy to get by when things are good and think we can do it on our own, but when things get hard, we are made aware we aren't that tough and we can't go at it alone, we need Him and we need love. So while these past 8 months have been challenging and I know I still need to heal, I realize that this can only be done by trusting in Him and loving Him. I also know that is it OK to feel weak, like you can't do it on your own. It is OK to ask for help and that doesn't say anything about you giving the perception that your struggles are the most important, or that you lack independence or courage. And through this hurt and pain, we will learn, we will grow, and we will persist.